My journey from pain to purpose

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10 years ago I was exhausted on the relentless, toxic treadmill of the corporate system. I was overworked, anxious and very stressed.

My whole sense of being, my identity, was firmly attached to a global definition of success. I pushed myself so hard to climb the corporate ladder, thinking that the key to feeling success, happiness & fulfilment must be found at the next rung, so I kept climbing, doing more, earning more, the more, more, more....only to find that when I reached the top rung, rather than feel happy, fulfilled and successful, I actually felt pain and not gain. 

I felt pointless and not purposeful.

Just at the point where I was selected as one of an elite few for the corporate Directorship training programme, identified as being a leader that could go right to the echelons of leadership, I felt that I had taken a misstep, as I realised that I did not want this path to success.  

I felt confusion and crisis, like my life was falling apart, for I certainly did not expect to find myself feeling like this or finding myself at rock bottom at the exact point when I reached the top. 

For a long time I thought I’d failed in my leadership.

I know now that it was a concept of leadership that failed me. 

I wish to share my experience within corporate leadership with others, not to name or shame any previous employer nor for any personal gain. I share only to aid another, for I now know that every experience, even those that are painful at the time and seem like such a challenge or adversity even,  are our greatest teachers in life for they hold the key to our purpose.

They are the lessons that prepare us for that and that it is in the sharing of our experiences that the consciousness of humanity rises.

 I know that the recalling of my past is an education for the future, for part of my purpose is to respond to pain, to provide pain relief and there are a lot of people in pain in positions of leadership, that is evident because the way it has been is clearly not serving anybody. We live in a world with a pandemic of mental health dis-ease.

For I see the loss of potentiality, the loss of being able to relate and that has created a disease and this is a pain, it is a corporate and company curse, where everyone has been cursed with fear and when fear is prevalent it becomes conflictual.

There is a lack of clarity, there is conflict, there is crisis, there is confusion and there is challenge and when this is in the workplace pain is prevalent.  I do not want anyone to experience the pain or the pitfalls that I did, now I have the clarity to understand them. 

Here is my story about what I experienced and endured (because at times it was an endurance), as a successful senior leader within a corporate structure that was unconscious to its own unconscious concept of leadership. A way of leadership that I know now I am out of it, I experienced to show me how NOT to lead.

I share from two perspectives, what I saw and felt whilst I stood in the corporate structure and what I see and feel stood outside of it. 

I'll start at the very beginning for that is a very good place to start! 

 I spent the first 13 years of my career in leadership roles specialising in CRM for B2C  & B2B Loyalty Marketing programmes for leading FMCG companies. A career I loved because I am a people person, I like to connect and communicate. 

I thrived in marketing agencies that created a culture of community across all areas of the business, leading to creation of plenty of creativity.  I always wanted to work within the field of marketing because I understood that marketing is all about relating to people and I have always had an awareness that relating, is the key to any business success.  

For the latter decade of my career, I moved client side after being headhunted  by a oil and gas global corporation.  I had a proven track record for delivering global operational excellence and leading high performing teams and this expertise was required to turnaround a critically failing global business area that accounted for over 25% of fuel sales. I did consider this move because it was a step away from marketing, a profession I never wanted to leave, but an exciting opportunity for a global role that used all of my skills in a slightly different capacity and I was told that after 4 years in a more operational focused role, I would be supported to transition to a global marketing role.  

It also ticked all my boxes for forward career progression on my own quest for success, that I had never really considered for myself, I was pursuing the global definition of success of financial wealth and I joined as a Global Fulfilment Excellence Manager set with the challenge to fix  a failing fulfilment service for the Commercial Fleet sector of this global oil company. 

Within 6 months I didn't just fix it, I turned around the performance. I streamlined business operations, removed process complexity whilst driving significant increased profit through increasing productivity and reducing unnecessary costs.  I exceeded expectations. I was recognised and rewarded for this. I was awarded Vice President awards for service excellence, I was in the highest bonus bracket each year, I smashed thorough the 6 figure salary ceiling which many woman in the UK do not, and I received performance related shares each year. I was constantly reminded that all of this consistent reward was not the norm. I was perceived as a bit of a superstar!  I do not share this to impress, I share to highlight that I was ticking all the boxes of corporate success. Right from the outset, I hit the ground running although it was not a level playing field, as I later found out.  

The global service delivery model I created was recognised as leading class by external auditors and as such was rolled out globally. I was appointed as a General Attorney responsible for overseeing that all service level aspects of every contract were consistent with this standard. I was fast tracked up the corporate ladder and within 4 years promoted to the job grade reporting into C Level as the Global Contract Manager for the largest outsourced 3rd party contract that this oil and gas major had undertaken within Downstream Retail, with single point accountability for a $350m 10 year contract.  

I was different from the outset in that I was an experienced hire, my colleagues were either top grads recruited via a competitive graduate recruitment programme or external contractors.  

Despite my success I felt like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole,  I felt like I didn't quite fit in.  Firstly there was the obvious difference, my gender, I was often the only female present but I did not consider that a limitation at the outset, the key difference I was aware of was the way in which I related to others, there seemed to be a required way to speak, which I later learnt was at times to be rehearsed.  

I received a great deal of scepticism when I communicated my planned approach to the task I was appointed, this was vocalised to me by the team who had not been able to use complex IT systems to resolve the issues causing the most significant complaints. There was definitely a case of “who does she think she is, the Queen of Sheba perhaps!” when I first joined.  

I was 34 this rather unwelcoming way of relating did trigger my own self limiting beliefs/patterns that I held at the time, (before I was older and wiser!) I felt concerned that I did not share the same academic intelligence learnt as the majority of my colleagues, and so doubted my wisdom earnt, and I worried if was I clever enough to pinpoint the problem and deliver a solution if so many had tried and failed.   I considered my approach and decided that the only approach I knew was to focus on the people and build relationships.  I would do my best to "make the difference real"  - the corporate mantra.

So that is what I did.
How I do, has always been down to how I be! 

I got to know every person within the global process chain. I introduced myself, explained that my purpose was to ease the pain, to create change where everyone gained. I asked for their support, their help, for without that it would have been an impossible task, (it was a complex global model across many internal and external parties, I could not have understood every process detail and there was no time) we were all reliant on each other, a collective approach was needed for the colossal change that was needed. And so I built relationships, I communicated the challenges and the issues and why they were important.  I did not shout and I did not demand, which seemed to be the way,  and I did not appoint blame. 

I listened to the suppliers and 3rd party partners to understand their pain points, their challenges, their position so I understood what needed to change in their businesses to, which they were happy to invest in because when we eradicated the pain we all gained! I had a CEO of the invoice provider personally thank me for my inclusive approach,  the process review I had carried out at their business not only ensured that they kept the contract with my employer but that they were also able to gain new clients because of the process improvements, it was very rewarding personally.

 I focused only on relationships. Processes are important and I love analysing all the details, I am I guess what can be referred to as a process geek! for to me they are the communication chains of a business,  they are the language that is used throughout a business, but the language needs to be spoken and it is people who speak. Processes only work when the people are all communicating and they know why and what they are communicating - they are engaged in the process. So many process problems are simply because people are not considered, there is no room for any intellect to be applied, treat people like machines they will act like machines - a case of ‘Computer says No!’
My focus was on the key people behind the processes and setting the conditions in which they could create solutions with me, and then the complex IT solutions could be used to map and automate the solutions where applicable.

I fixed existing relationships which was easy for the problem was apparent, there was no relationships and any relating was control based and fearful which suppresses creativity, hence why there was no solutions. I removed relationships that did not want to consider change or that related with the attributes of control not collaboration, and I created new ones.   I worked with my way of leadership for I had not been conditioned, controlled or contoured to lead in any other way. 

I also created my own set of conditions for the environment and culture that I was within, which is how I thrive in my own potential and that I know others do too, in alignment with my reputation for high performing teams who continually delivered excellence and improvements. I remove the divide, I may be a leader but I do not perceive that I sit above anyone.  There is a saying that I heard when I was young "no man is above me, and I am above no man" that for some reason resonated,  I just knew this to be true. 

Whilst upon motivational sayings! when I was 13 and bored in a maths lesson at school (always preferred words to numbers)  I felt inspired by a poster on the wall that  said "big shots are only little shots that keep shooting" this one, I actually scratched into my pencil tin! I guess teenage me wanted to be a big shot in that I wanted to be successful, to not have to worry about money and I perceived all big shots had all been little shots that keep shooting by trying harder and working hard. I certainly adopted this approach for myself when I started my career at the age of 21, I always worked very hard.  I am sharing this because I see now that naively through very childlike lenses, this was how I perceived big shots!  Why before joining this corporate culture I never feared leaders, I was lucky to have always found those in leadership positions above to have been inspiring, supportive, people I could learn from and I was a leader. I considered all leaders were all just little shots who keep on trying to aim higher and better so we could all grow, and when all is said and done, regardless of titles, we are all just people. 

Before I entered the corporate structure, I always considered hierarchical boxes to be a means to define roles and responsibilities based on the position a person had earnt the right to through continually shooting.  I did not know you possibly had to compete for the position, in my view it was a position you earnt the right to. I did not know that you had to climb on the back of another to get into the box, until someone pushed me out of my box and I did not know that I needed to watch my back until I experienced a few times being stabbed in the back by female colleagues who I thought had my back!  I share only to highlight my truthful experience. 

I thought that the structure was set to provide everyone opportunities for growth to aspire to. It did not entitle you to feel like you were more important, above people and to relate from this misperception of self importance, 'I am it',  for being a leader is about other peoples needs not your own.  

 I created a sense of company, connection, community, collaboration and it lead to tremendous creation, and in that the fear started to dissipate and people felt they could input and be listened to and they engaged in the process and performance approved almost immediately.  I introduced agreed SLAs and documented processes, procedures and contractual agreements so there was control and structure, but these business controls, which of course are necessary, were created from a place of collaboration and commonality, not control where I exerted force upon others. We all knew we wanted happy end customers, we all knew it was important that customers did not move to competitors to ensure business certainty, we all knew we would all feel much better not firefighting complaints, we all knew it would be much more fun to work on continually creating operational excellence and we did. 

It was a tremendous effort, the usual trade off was there, I had no work/life balance but I was young enough to not have to consider that and as I had made some great relationships which I considered friendships all over the globe, where we all looked forward to our QBRs! - it was a huge success story.  

I guess because my head was down and I very focused upon what I there to do and that required a lot of people relationships, which take effort and time I was a bit slow off the mark to really consider more deeply the difference of how I related. I thought it was perhaps because I was not a top graduate and therefore perhaps I was not so articulate.  Of course I now know that I did not have a corporate persona for I was late comer to the corporate structure and honestly this persona, bemused me at first.  

I constantly resisted my own change management process despite being chair for all global change processes!  I did not intentionally resist conforming to a corporate persona because in my naivety at the beginning, I did not understand there was even a requirement to change how I related. And when aspects of this persona were presented to me and it was suggested I should display them I would ask why, and I asked that a lot! because often what I was being asked to conform to held no emotional intelligence. 

Why did I need to change the way I related to others when I was delivering exponential success and I was a person not a robot?

Why did I need an elevator speech to recite if I bumped into someone from the hierarchy above on my way to the loo?  

I laughed when a close colleague told me he had boarded the private jet with a global VP who kept calling him Terry when his name was John and he dare not correct him, he became Tel for months - it was hilarious to me. 

Why did I need to attend a training course for all new starters on supplier relationship management when I had been headhunted for my expertise in this. I was not bemused at that, I walked out after we were told that "suppliers are people just not so important as us" 

Why did my line manager ask me to wear my glasses more often because they made me look more serious? I mean seriously?!

Why was I being asked to "stop being so nice" to the third parties and suppliers we worked with? 

Why was everyone so serious and looking at me like I had two heads because I was not wearing the corporate pinstripe trouser suit and I asked how everyone's weekend was? 

Why was I being told I was like a breath of fresh air and that I lit up a room and being asked to change at the same time. There was a lot of contradiction, I think I created confusion for I did not think, feel, act or relate like anyone else. I was not a corporate persona….yet. 

I considered that most of this must be what "corporate bullshit" meant. 

I did not mean to be stepping on any corporate toes or overstepping the corporate line, but I did many times.  I was asked by an infuriated boss on one occasion when I expressed my upset at being witness to his relating that made another man cry, and not for the first time, if I though the Esther Walker style of leadership was better than his. At the time I offered an apologetic subservient response to appease the anger but I would respond differently now. I not could understand why anyone in a position of leadership felt it necessary to create so much pain in another that it made them cry. I was on a weekly basis comforting male colleagues who were crying on my shoulder for how they had been related to. This was not the school playground where children have not yet developed emotional intellect, I was not ok with this so I expressed it.

I was subjected to a lot of masculine control. I had fists punched onto tabletops inches in front of my face, I spent hours in boardrooms watching power struggles and male egos shout at each other in contract negotiations and then was reprimanded for not taking part in the shouting!   

I was told I was naïve to corporate politics and that at this level of seniority I needed to learn to play the game which bemused me, what did that even mean - what politics? I was not a politician.  I did not understand there was any other agenda other than to lead teams to create the desired outcome.  I think it was reference to the game of out manoeuvring others to stay ahead of the game, like a boardgame to win the race to the boardroom.  The rat race perhaps?

I do not know, for I do not actually care for the game. To me there are no winners in a game that is played like this. 

Due to my success, I was delivering results - 'making the difference real' to the corporate bottom line. ticking the only box that mattered.  I was fast tracked through that corporate structure at a rate that was unheard of according to my boss, he put this down to my success in turning around the failing business area which had the attention of the powers that be, that sit at the very top of the corporate castle, where never the twain shall meet. 

The ones who selected me as being worthy to join them at the top but who didn't know me.

The ones I had prepared and rehearsed an elevator speech for. 

Despite the rapid ascent I did not feel any ascension in me on any level apart from financially, the higher up the ladder I climbed the more I felt at dis-ease with myself for there was an expansion in my sight, a niggling awareness that there was clearly a way to be - a way of leadership that I did not like to see, but I did not clearly see what was coming my way. I thought I had bypassed this way of leadership because I would not have to change, for why would I? I was successful because I led in the way I did, - more naivety! 

I started to feel fearful and I became aware that this was a fear based culture because leadership was defined as controlling others in order to deliver an outcome and this is why everyone related the way they did. This was the oil and gas industry, no judgement here, but there was no depths of meaning or purpose to the leadership strategy other than to delivery profit.  This industry sucks from the earth all it can until it is barren and dry, a delusion that thinks it is serving supply and demand (meaning and purpose) when there is no responsibility for how the demand is met or whether that demand is controlled, even though demand is clearly outstripping supply with devastating consequences. Interestingly is not considered necessary to apply any control because that might limit corporate profits and competitive position which is all interlinked with actual politics and global economies, after all money makes the world go round doesn’t it and corporates make all the money, so as you are seeing there can be no consciousness. Which is why the control of the people was applied and deemed as needed through a corporate training programme, or perhaps just corporate programming would be more apt. 

For control creates fear and fear creates pain, and pain switches off the senses of the person, the emotional intelligence that enables a robotic way of leadership, that places everyone into a box, think feel, act, relate like this is the requirement. 

Do not feel anything whatever you do. 

For if leaders felt they would wake up to see that this way of leadership, particularly in this industry is not sustainable, that offering to other leaders for their own corporate leadership strategy success story, a programme that effectively rewards continued fossil fuel emission's by converting total emission into carbon credits that are used to offset a carbon footprint, is delusional at best, dangerous at worst.

You cannot offset irreversible damage.  

You cannot buy into this delusion and illusion if success has a depth of meaning and purpose, which for this industry it really should and it does. You cannot buy into this if you are conscious in your leadership.

 I apologise for the digression but everyone attacks the leaders of this industry without understanding why there is no change. It is not the leaders fault per say. We are all to blame for we all accept a global definition of success that is meaningless, that keeps leaders and everyone controlled, that creates leadership pain and no gain.  That filters out and creates pain in humanity and the planet - for leadership effects everyone outside of the corporate structure too.

The corporate recruitment policy was largely top grads they entered from education and were all put through the same training process to deliver success, everyone was benchmarked and measured against the same criteria and rewarded accordingly or performance managed, it was controlled and because of how reward and recognition was allocated it was competition based. 

The leaders at the top were a product of this process, which was a conditioning, a culturisation process that contoured all the people to think, feel and act in the same way, a way that had been set. I do not know how long ago or by whom, but as a leader who entered at a different rung, as an experienced hire it was most definitely a culture shock, but one I was able to survive at the beginning because I created successful results pretty much instantly. That is the reason that I was left to be me and lead in my way, which was certainly different, but I could see was the difference that was needed.  

It was evident for me to see that as the spotlight from the top down was being shone there was so much fear. This was a culture were leaders were to be feared and not revered, everyone was scared of each other and there was no relating, no relationships and relating is the key to business success. After some time in this structure I was clear why I made such a difference, it was simply that I had not been placed into a box and so could think outside of it.  I was not fearful because I had not started at the bottom rung or taken part in the corporate success programming.  I was feeling the pain of realising that in order to pursue my career and remain successful I must be squeezed into the box. 

Yes I had some subject matter expertise, as did all the other external contractors that this corporate invested heavily in, but this corporate employed the brightest minds from across the globe, there was never a pause for thought, for consideration to understand why the need for all these external contractors, why did Esther achieve the results she did?  I was recognised and rewarded very well financially,  I have several Vice President crystal trophies and such accolades,  but no leader actually got to know me, not even those who worked closely with me for that was not perceived as being important, all that mattered is that I delivered success.  

I was a part in a corporate machine that had its own definition of  success, I was required to conform to that, and whilst I do understand this approach to leadership, I know it is not sustainable and all corporates will need to consider this. My success was not my process management expertise, it was not my global model, it was not my signature on supplier contracts, it was not my expert knowledge of the industry, it is how I relate. 

A way of relating that underpins the way I lead, which when left to my own devices is a way that works, it delivers increased productivity and therefore profit.  A way of relating that does not need to control people to deliver a successful outcome. 

My difference meant that I was being sought out as the 'go to' person for new grads particularly females, who were all so fearful and saw me as an approachable senior leader. 

I was referred to as 'the only human' in the entire team by a French colleague perhaps seeking for the correct English term but when I asked her to explain she said everyone knew I was the only person who cared. I was the friendly ear, the shoulder to cry on , the support to others, which was ironic because I was struggling to support myself to stend strong in my own shoes when I was constantly being told to stand in someone else's shoes. 

And this one would have been very frowned upon by the leader who ran the internal supplier management training programme.... I was also the go to person for the 3rd party partners and suppliers we worked with.   They would pull me to one side prior to meetings to gauge the mood of those more senior leaders representing the corporate I worked for, such was the fear of what lay in wait. I empathised,  for at this point in my own seniority I was being told that I must be over prepared to present to the Global VP board for it was like going into the lions den, I would be "ripped apart" if I was not.  As I have shared I was fodder for the lions. 

I was asked if my colleagues were like sticks of rock, snap them in half and would they be corporate branded at the core.  This was the corporate persona at its worst. 

 I am not playing a gender card here, for I do not play such games, I do not write this as a feminist either, but it must be acknowledged because this was part of my difference in this male dominated industry, and was certainly the case within the commercial fleet area I worked within which was predominately B2B sales,  it was not a level playing field.

I was one of very few woman in a very male dominated industry at this leadership level this was evident to all but what was not evident was that I was different to my fellow female colleagues, I was a woman who had not been conditioned to achieve success in a man's way.

The reason for my success was not considered, perhaps if it was, rather than trying to change me via a directorship training programme, it might have been brought into awareness that I had a different approach to creating a difference and I certainty made the difference real, because I was different and the most obvious stand out reason for that was my gender.

For it is still not understood that women and men think, feel, act and relate differently because they are meant to. This isn't about a man's way or a woman's way, its about recognising yin and yang energy, and the attributes of those that are both needed, both equally important to ensure balance to leadership and yet feminine power is not even understood, because it is not perceived as important to consider because we live in a world where gender roles are still playing out. The corporate world of leadership is still a man’s world and yet everyone wonders why there is so much pain.  Everyone’s energetics are out of balance. 

There is little of the feminine way within leadership even if you are a female.

The focus is all about getting more women in to positions of leadership - in this industry a decade later it is still the same conversation about gender targets without any really understanding of why there is still gender inequality, about why women leave this industry. These targets are not the correct point of focus, otherwise a decade on, lets face it if exponential results had been experienced from placing more women at the decision making table there would be equality, the way it is creates no difference. 

It creates no difference because leadership is predefined as one way fits all, the women are taught to think, feel and be the way it is set, aligned with masculine power and within patriarchal systems and structures. There is none of the feminine way.  I realise now that I was a feminine leader being asked to lead as masculine leader  in a way that was out of control because of the fear based structure and I was not supported to thrive in my own potential because it was a patriarchal system. When it was considered that my leadership style was different it was perceived as a threat and not an asset.

My own potential was always going to be time limited because of my gender. I appreciate this is a digression,  but as a woman in a male dominated environment there was no consideration that my way of relating might be something to do with my gender, and although there were a few other women in leadership in this environment, they had joined the company at graduation level, there was no feminine attributes because it is not even understood that it exists, and it has been lost in todays leadership.  It is an important consideration for a new way of conscious leadership, for this is how balance is created in all people regardless of physical gender or gender identification preference. it is about energetic alignment, when you are out of balance which we all are, that creates pain.

 I was not "high maintenance" as I was referred to by my male boss,  because he felt I did not like being told what to do, I had no problem with that, I did not like being told how to be. There is an  difference.  

One is a job requirement, one is abuse of a person.  It is no different in my view,  being stripped of your own self identity, personality, persona, being told how to think, feel, act relate and even in my case, look -  is abuse. It is recognised in the domestic environment and yet not in the workplace.  In this experience, in the end I was stripped of everything, used, abused and discarded for refusing to collude to a way of unconscious leadership that creates pain not purpose, in the pursuit of a global definition of success that is pointless for it never leads to the true spirit of success. As I have learned.  

I have encountered so many others who have experienced this too, peoples lives are trampled on with no consideration for who is hurt in the process, it is not acceptable.

I do not understand how anyone who leads with the attributes of control that causes pain and another can ever feel successful. How any leader who puts their needs before others can ever feel successful. 

There are no successful world leaders in my view.

After 7 years of making the difference real, my 4 year returning to a marketing role was prohibited and blocked because I was too successful at the role I was in, they needed me to stay and yet later I was soon discarded.  There was no honour in the relationship. 

I was as mentioned selected for the C Level directorship training programme,  positioned to me as a privilege available only to a select few. At this point in my career I was in a lot of pain,  pain from the environment I was in, pain that intensified the higher I climbed, pain from the criticism of control and the pressure  to conform to way of thinking, feeling, acting, relating, that to me, held no emotional intelligence.  At times it was devoid of consciousness, inhumane. 

The more I resisted, the more the pressure intensified, I felt like a wave of bullying, a tsunami had been brought down upon me, I felt like I was drowning in a sea of toxicity. 

In order to survive I succumbed to the pressure to change and for a time I became part of the control. I did that by switching off my senses so as not to feel anything.  I was part of a culture where the attributes of control where rift, competition, one upmanship, aggression, criticism, judgement, scarcity, lack, an 'out for oneself' mentality, but I felt like no one else saw it, or if they did no one else certainly seemed to feel it.  There were many colleagues suffering with work related stress, but it seemed to be accepted as part of the job, like your own mental health and wellbeing was a fair exchange for the financial reward and a delusional mindset that its only for a short time, once I have earnt x I can get out of here. It was very frightening to see people I cared about slide down the emotional scale. 

I was made to feel even more like I did not fit, I did not belong. In order to cope with the fear I felt, I used prescribed beta blockers before presenting to the leaders above me that I was being moulded to become. I had no work life balance, I was like a machine never switching off as I stressed, struggled and strived to feel a sense of success, of fulfilment, of anything,  but I did not feel anything, the more never led to any feeling of more, my £35k annual bonus could have been £3.50 I felt nothing. I felt potential less, purposeless and then in the end pointless. I was a robotic leader for a short time.   I knew I had dehumanised my ways of relating so much so that I did not even like myself.   Although not religious I was even praying to get out of there although I could see no other path for this was my identity. I was the breadwinner for my family at the time. 

I started the directorship training programme fully aware of the wall of resistance within me that nearly floored me on top of what I already felt, my pain turned to despair as words spoken to me a year earlier by an ex colleague were ringing in my ears "congratulations on the promotion Esther, but you do know  what they say when you've reached that level don't you? They say you've sold your soul" never a truer word spoken.

To become a top leader within that global culture required me to change.  I was embarking on my own change management process. 

 I could see no other path, my career was everything to me, it was who I was, I felt the pain of the relentless force to squeeze into a box,  to think, feel and be a way that was painful for me and to others. I felt like I experiencing my own earthquake, where the world I had been building gave way beneath my feet, for I was on the verge of a  mental health breakdown. I was diagnosed with stress and anxiety and prescribed medication which I did not take because I knew that for me this was not the solution. For I was aware of the root cause of my pain and the dis-ease I felt my problem was I did not know how to navigate myself, nurture myself, nourish myself, I did not know who to turn to or how to stand strong in my on sense of self in  that environment. There was no support for me, even those I considered as friends were too fearful to stand by my side as I tried to stand up for myself and for all those around me that were also dealing with the effects of the environment we were in.   I felt like my life had turned to chaos, I felt like I was having a crisis, there was no clarity all I knew was that I could not go on accepting the unacceptable.  

 I considered the sense of dis-ease I felt all the time, despite reaching the destination I had been climbing to get to, I felt the trade off in my own values, ethos, ethics, boundaries, of being conditioned, contoured and controlled to change, to conform to a way of leadership, a way of relating that to me held no emotional intelligence. in a culture that did not seem to care or hold any consciousness.   

Just at the point where I was about to step onto the top rung, a definition of success I had relentlessly pursued,  I fell off the ladder and  rather like the nursery rhyme character Humpty Dumpty - it was a great fall! I fell apart and I had to put all the pieces of myself back together again.   My career was over as a result of standing up, speaking out about the way that was unacceptable. I guess as I reflect back, I was offering Considerations for Change for a fairer way, a kinder way, a more conscious way, for someone to help me, but there was no support, there was no point to the leadership open door policy when everyone was too scared to come to your door, there was no kindness and there was no consideration.  

It was also evident that there was no code of conduct, for it was upheld via a formal process that had been broken and not by me and yet it was me who was perceived as the problem.  The code of conduct was a lip service and I was very aware that the motivational corporate mantra that I had felt inspired by at the outset of my employment without giving it any thought, (for I was too pushed for time, too busy to pause for thought and consider anything other than how I was going to achieve the global definition of success for myself as this is what I had been taught was where happiness and fulfilment was at), was another lip service, for the only difference I was making real was a profit margin target.

 I share this insight with you because now I am standing outside of this corporate experience, I understand and feel the priority and the importance of the Considerations for Change being considered and consolidated by leaders, all leaders, world leaders, corporate leaders, the leaders from the oil and gas industry that I come from.   I know that these leaders are a product of the environment they are in, many entered when they were very young, eager to please, eager to succeed,  not taught anything beyond the basic 5 senses and having been externally fed a definition of leadership, power and success that has no concept of the true meaning, that was once understood. 

Many leaders like I was are simply unconscious because they have been stripped of their own persona, their own consciousness for that is a requirement. You have to collude with the control in order to deliver the global definition of success, profit and therefore there comes a price to pay when this is the only purpose to your leadership. 

It is all fear based, the fear creates pain, pain from the loss of your self, and in order to survive the pain there is a switch off in the human intelligences, a switching off in consciousness in order to lead for an unconscious corporation or country,  that doesn’t even understand that its leadership is unconscious because these are the conditions set to deliver success, the considerations do not go beyond that, they are not aware they need to because success = profit is the only strategic goal. And another way has been lost.  It is not even known it is needed! 

I appreciate that you may be reading this and thinking that control is a necessity when you are a leader within a global corporation. I do not dispute the need for a controlled, structured and organised approach, the need for clear lines of roles and responsibilities and robust business processes, but I am highlighting that control is misunderstood and misused, for this is what my experience has shown me. For you do not need to lead with the attributes of control which exerts governance over others in order to delivery an outcome. If the outcome, the success, has a depth of meaning and purpose and that is the focus, where people come before profit. if the outcome set is only profit then control is misunderstood, misused and will get out of control for there is nothing else feeding the senses of the human being, the leader or any of the people. 

When there is zero sense of  purposeful leadership, which will be felt energetically regardless of the amount of internal PR and fancy corporate slogans and expensive leadership strategy away days with all the hype to raise the vibe, control will be misused in order to get a person to act like a machine. The control creates the culture of pain and fear, which leads to a switching off of the human emotional intelligence becuase it is too painful to feel purposeless. The control can turn into a misplaced control as the leader seeks  to feel a sense of something, of anything, to fulfil the basic human needs of connection, of belonging of fulfilment of happiness, of wholeness, which can never be felt when success is a global profit only definition and when you lead in systems and structures that separate and divide via hierarchical boxes. 

Controlled systems  are a requirement in order to deliver an outcome of profit. 

Controlled ways of relating are not a requirement in order to deliver an outcome of profit. 

If profit is balanced with a definition of success that has more depth of meaning and purpose,  then there is no need for the switch off in human intelligences and in that everyone relates with the consciousness of kindness, consideration and care for one another, for your innate intelligence knows how to relate. It does not need to be taught via another corporate training programme, in this way you can create a conscious corporate or company, where increased productivity and profit is a natural outcome. 

It is a win-win situation

 For the first 5 years after my career came to an abrupt halt I kept busy,  I had spent years on the corporate treadmill after all! I set myself up in business working for myself for the first time, and  launched a business offering marketing support for SMES, I also enjoyed the wonderful gift of motherhood after years of fertility treatment which was the physical trade off for my corporate success, it was stress related.  

 I enjoyed my own business creation and helping others, but it felt like I was playing it safe, not aligned with who I really was at all or what I was meant to be doing. A movement,  a stretch was needed.  I tried to ignore these feelings, I did not want to step out of my comfort zone, I had after all slowly glued myself back together and I did not want to break again!  For some time I allowed the self saboteur to run the show, making sure there was limited movement so I did not risk a fall. I was frozen in fear for a long time. Silenced through a gagging clause.  

 But a part of me knew I had unfinished business in the world of business and within the realms of leadership. This part of me appeared to be on quest for success but in a much different way than before, and through a journey of recovery through self discovery,  from pain to finding my purpose, from suffering to serenity, to turn my pain into one of gain.  I was driven only by a part of me that I had separated from a long time ago.  In all truth, the only part of me that had survived the fall, the rock I felt inside of me when I hit rock bottom,  the solid part of me that felt strong, that glued me back together again by showing me that I was never broken in the first place.   

I have been picked up every piece of me and considered if that piece serves me or limits me, which pieces are the good bits, the authentic bits and which belong to manmade version of me, that I can now discard, making room for new pieces of me to grow, space for new energy from which to create. It is not an easy process for in order to heal I have learnt that you have to feel, to truly understand and discover, but I know that my corporate leadership was cut short because I refused to lead in a unconscious way.  I did not collude with the control I was in and the control that I was becoming.  

I have spent the last 5 years studying human consciousness through connection to the innate human intelligence that is within us all and that knows how to relate, that once connected with eradicates the pain and the problems and will show you your purpose and the way.   I now blend these tools for life and leadership into my business consultancy and education work to assist others on their paths to transformation.  I guess my work is an interception of spirituality and business.   

 And so, having eventually spent all my own energy working for an oil and gas energy company, I still work with the energy sector!  but not with the energy generated as the output of fossil fuels, I work with the energy of you, the being of your human which holds your unique energetic blueprint, the innate super intelligence that lies within every person. 

The DNA that holds your purpose, potential, power and prosperity, that knows exactly how to navigate you in life and leadership, that knows how to relate to the 5 major relationships that enable every person to excel. I show you how to rediscover it, reconnect to it, align with it, return to it, navigate with it, create with it and master it.  I guide you out of the pain and into your purpose.  To be the leader you were born to be and perhaps to be the change you wish to see.  

My consultancy services  enable you to come into the Art of Being in Business are grounded in ways of relating without the attributes of control, where leaders are revered and not feared, a different understanding and definition of leadership - a different way to lead which as I see now was the foundation for the exponential business success I had delivered,  that I tried to share prior to being squeezed into a box. A way that was not considered, instead perceived as a threat, securing a no change policy.  

10 years later, the world of business has changed. I firmly believe that now is time for a change policy to be considered and consolidated into the heart of leadership, and it will be necessary for corporations and companies to remain leading edge, to sustain and remain secure through the changes that are presenting.  

The awareness is here, everyone is talking about CONSCIOUS LEADERSHIP. To truly lead consciously you have to consider a new consciousness.  

That consciousness is in you. 

This is what I have concluded from my journey from pain to purpose. 

I hope my sharing has given you something to consider that may assist you.